A Friendly Favor Gone Foul
by Satan's Sweeties
Summary: Matt's a top-notch hacker, and Mello knows it. But to help him out a little bit, he calls in the world's second-best hacker—the über-flamboyant, annoying, childish pain-in-the-ass known as Josh Nitley. Crack.
1. Josh fuckin' Nitley

Jesus, the inside of my car engine stunk like hell. "Okay," I breathed out, grabbing a small wrench from my toolbox, "if I turn this here, then it should fix the problem. I just need to concentrate… focus my full attention on the problem at hand… almost there…"

"MATT!" My head shot up and hit the inside of the hood at Mello's scream, causing me to swear more than my mother would ever have stood for. The hand that was holding the wrench started to clench tighter until I closed my eyes and reminded myself why exactly I put up with Mello's shit.

_The things I do for an unrequited love,_ I thought to myself, rubbing the back of my head and stepping away from my car for the sheer sake of not wanting to hurt myself again. "Yes, my love?" I answered, turning to see him standing in the doorway with a confused look on his face.

He raised an eyebrow. "What did you just say?"

"I said, 'Yes, Mello?'" I lied, filled with the sudden urge to run up to him and violate him in every way possible. Boy. This was getting _ridiculous_. "You buzzed, Mels?"

Flipping his hair over his shoulder (which looked really, _really_ gay, by the way), he said, "I did not 'buzz,' you lazy ass. I simply called out for you so I could figure out where the fuck you were and _murder_ you, you useless freeloader!"

I cleared my throat and pressed my lips together tightly. "Christ, blondie, who pissed in your Corn Flakes? I was out here trying to fix my car until your unearthly screech made me bang my head on the goddamn hood. What could you possibly need that requires my assistance right this fucking second?"

"Hmm, let's see… maybe your fucking _job_? You're a hacker, Matt, not a damn mechanic. The way you complain about it all the time makes it sound like I give you the work of two people."

What the fuck. "Shit, man! You _do_! That's the main problem! If you want more work to actually get done, why not hire another friggin' hacker?"

"Why don't I just get one to replace you?" he yelled back.

"Why don't you?" I challenged, wiping my hands on a rag.

Visibly deflating, he continued screaming, "Why are we fighting?"

"I don't know!" I didn't. It just sorta happened sometimes between us.

He stormed back inside. "I'm gonna use the restroom!"

Following him inside the house, I headed toward the kitchen and replied, "I'm making sandwiches!"

The rest of the day was pretty uneventful. Right after lunch Mello left to go somewhere (apparently, I wasn't on the 'Need to Know' list as to where), which left me home alone with nothing to do for an unknown amount of time.

Cue the game shows.

Don't judge me.

At about five in the afternoon, right before I was about to call Mello and bitch like a needy girlfriend about how I was gonna start eating dinner without him and he could fend for himself, he walked through the front door with some geeky-looking weirdo tailing right behind him.

He had outrageously normal-colored brown hair, cut in a bowl shape akin to that of a certain male 'pop star' that pre-pubescent girls seemed to idolize for some strange reason; big, childish brown eyes; a bright yellow shirt boasting the word Hollister right across his chest; acid-wash skinny jeans with holes in both knees; and really fucking purple Converse high-tops.

Oh, and braces. Can't forget the braces.

Knowing the kid couldn't have been older than seventeen, I grit out, "Mello, _who_ the holy _fuck_ is _this_ guy?"

Braceface waved at me as Mello explained, "Matt, meet Josh Nitley—your new co-hacker."


	2. Superzeros and Sidedicks

Insert Very Awkward Silence (VAS) here. "Are you fucking _crazy_?" I demanded of Mello, staring at him with wide eyes and a general 'what the fuck?' look. "Really? A _co-hacker_? How goddamn inadequate do you fucking think I am? Holy jump-roping nuns, Mello, you know I work alone! Like Batman. I'm Mattman! Not every superhero needs a side-kick, you know!"

After some more VAS, Mello responded with, "True, but every superzero needs a side-dick. Just look at Near and Gevanni. Look, I know you don't like people that aren't me, but I figured that we might be of more assistance to L if we could be twice as efficient. Josh is one of the best hackers in the world, second only to you, ya jackwagon."

"But still!" I whined, crossing my arms over my chest and pouting. Mello just rolled his eyes and left again, telling me to play nice and teach Josh the ropes. I glared at the 'intruder' after my _darling_ best friend vamoosed for the second time that day.

Staring him down really wasn't working, considering he was at least six-foot-four while I stood at a measly five-foot-five. "Um, hi," he said, trying to break the bout of VAS that had fallen upon the room following Mello's departure.

I grabbed him by the shirt collar and yanked him down to my level, growling, "You listen here, and you listen good: if you do _anything_ to fuck up either this investigation or what Mello and I have, you can bet your left nut that I will do everything in my power to make every waking moment a living hell for you. You'll feel the full force of my anger, and you can damn well be sure that that's something you _never _want to experience. Do I make myself clear?"

He didn't say anything, too intent on staring at my face with his mouth slightly agape. Soon enough, he snapped back to reality and replied, "Yeah, I gotcha. Something about how you're glad I'm here and how well this investigation is gonna go and to not bring home girls. Can I see your eyes?"

"You stupid son of a—what?"

Raising a hand, he tapped my goggles. "Can I see your eyes?"

I pulled a face. "Why?"

"'Cause there's gotta be a reason you wear the goggles in the first place, _duh_," he answered, making a face as he said 'duh.' "So, can I see 'em?"

Whut tha fugg? "No!"

"Why not?"

"Because."

"Because why?"

"Just because."

"Because why?"

"_Just. Because_," I said through clenched teeth, letting go of his shirt and letting him stand back up.

"Because _whyyyyyy_?"

Finally, I'd had enough. "Because Mello's the only one who's allowed to see my eyes!"

Realization dawned on his stupid, pimply face as his mouth opened into an 'o.' "Ah, I get it." Thank fucking God. "You and Mello are 'together,' aren't you?" Air quotes around 'together.'

_I wish, pus-pocket. _"No, we're not." _Yet._

"Oh. So are you friends?"

"Yes."

"How long have you known each other?"

"Since we were six."

"Where did you meet?"

"Wammy's House."

"Is Matt your real name?"

"As far as you know."

"Is Mello his real name?"

"As far as I know."

"Who's that Near person that Mello mentioned?"

"An asshole."

"Why is he an asshole?"

"Because he's an unfeeling, albino, puffball jerk."

"Why is he an unfeeling, albino, puffball jerk?"

"Because he ruined Mello's hopes and dreams when we were kids."

"Can I play with you?" he asked, motioning to the second X-box controller sitting on the coffee table.

Not bothering to look at him, I answered, "No."

He pouted. "Pleeeeeease?"

"No."

"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?"

"No."

"Please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh pl—"

Ah. Lovely, lovely silence. I retracted my hand and rubbed my knuckles where I had hit Josh in hopes of knocking him out; just my luck, I did. Propping my feet up on the table in victory, I proceeded to kick ass at my game until Mels came home an hour later to find me gaming and Josh out cold on the floor. "Matt, what the hell did you do?"

"The real question is," I started, pausing my game and turning to face Mello, hands in my lap, "what the hell were you thinking when you brought it home?"

He huffed, dropping his coat on the floor and kicking off his boots. "I was thinking that maybe you'd like some help around here, since you're the only hacker doing all the hacking. Josh is one of the best hackers out there, so I figured he'd be the best one to call in." Finishing his reasoning, he laid down on the couch with his head in my lap.

"I understand what you were trying to do, but maybe you should've gone with the third-best hacker."

"Why is that?"

"Josh is a freaking 'tard, Mels. I mean, God. He's only what, like fifteen?"

"Sixteen," Mello corrected, "but all my sources say he's bright for his age. Maybe he just seems a little odd to you because you're not used to people like him."

I thought about Mello and his big mouth, natural oddities, and strange wardrobe choice. "Chyeah, the hell I'm not. Anyway, where's he sleeping? The bathtub?"

"My bed."

The fuck? "Mels, I'm not gonna let you sleep on the couch. It really sucks to snooze on."

"I'm not going to sleep on the couch. I'm gonna share _your_ bed with you."


End file.
